Just a lil while ago I was reading the book Reviving Ophelia, which is a good read by the way, and I read this part about this Latin girl and how she feels connected to her family. I thought about me and my family and how disconnected I always feel and I actually feel better that way. I've always felt that being distant from my extended family was best for my well-being.
Where and when did these feelings arise? Some might say it comes from me being abused at a party where everyone was Latin so it reminded me of my family. Others might say that that is just how I am: a distant, introverted person, but I now realize why I'm like that with them.
When I was growing up I strived to be myself always. It was my goal to stay true to myself no matter what. I gave into a few temptations b/c of curiosity but I always came back to what I believed in and my personal moral code. In the process I defined who I could relate to and who I really just couldn't. Unfortunately in that list fell my extended family. Yeah it might sound that I'm doing something wrong here b/c they are my family but a lot of what my family believes is way in the other end of the spectrum from mine. They only see Catholicism as the way to a whole spirit whereas I only see a whole spirit through being at one with nature and oneself. They think having a good time is drinking to the point of not remembering what happened whereas I hate drinking. I think it's pointless and detrimental to one's health. We had one family member die b/c of alcoholism and about five of alive members are alcoholics with constant health problems. They are all close-minded and materialistic and I am not.
Of course only a few aren't like that but one of them passed away last year and the other one lives in NY. The ones that have gone through some form of adversity seem to live more level than the rest but still give into what the rest are doing.
I feel like I'm so different from them that I have no clue as to how I can even relate to them. I feel too independent as a person to fit in with my family and most people and it's something I'm not willing to sacrifice for experiences that will not enlighten me but bring me further back to the usual feeling I just explained. I've tried plenty to open up to them but the promise to myself of being true is so deep that I can barely do much. I'm sorry but that's just how it will be. I know that my mom and some of my family wish that I would be closer to them but I don't know how to other than by giving a part of me up.
I look forward to the days when I'm far away in California, happy and free as me.
